


心死

by Charulean_Waters



Category: Purple Hyacinth - Ephemerys & Sophism (Webcomic)
Genre: F/M, I'd Say I'm Sorry but I'm not, It's exactly what it says on the tin, My brain has been dreaming this up for a while now, Please Don't Kill Me, happy valentines!, just read it please, with the songs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-13 19:20:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29406855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Charulean_Waters/pseuds/Charulean_Waters
Summary: 情已逝Love, Departed.
Relationships: Lauren Sinclair/Kieran White
Comments: 54
Kudos: 73





	1. 情已逝

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 情已逝
> 
> Love, Departed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE LISTEN TO [Alessia Cara's _Out of Love_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vDIhv4xXNeY) when it is linked :)

"H eading out for the day, Detective Sinclair?"

Lauren nodded, grinning as she slipped her arms into the sleeves of her coat. "It's a pretty slow day, and I'm not going to work overtime if I don't have to."

Harlow nodded, leaning on Lauren's desk as she rested her chin in her hands. "Got anything _special_ planned for today, Detective?"

Lauren snorted, shoving her things into her purse. "Well, that's not up to me to decide."

The junior detective snickered, winking at Lauren. "If I recall, someone sent you a beautifully decorated envelope yesterday, along with a small bouquet of flowers."

"If _I_ recall, I tossed those immediately," laughed Lauren, eyeing the slightly wilted flowers in Harlow's hand.

"Well, I thought you might have no plans today, so I saved the flowers _just_ in case you decided to take someone up on the offer," she snickered, twirling a strand of her waist length hair in her fingers. "Who was it, anyway? Did they even put a name?"

Lauren shrugged exaggeratedly, pretending that it wasn't entirely obvious by the yellow spots that detailed the envelope. "Perhaps a secret admirer," she said, slinging the strap of her purse over her shoulder. "I suppose we'll find out now, won't we?"

Harlow pouted at her, " _Fine_. Tell me who it was tomorrow, though?"

"A good detective doesn't ask for hints, they find them as they go," Lauren sang, waving as she walked out the door. "Happy Valentine's, Harlow!"

* * *

Lauren's face fell as she stepped out of the precinct. It was exhausting wishing people a happy Valentines Day and entertaining the jokes that people flung at her.

Or perhaps that wasn't it. Perhaps the reason why she stood on the sidewalk, scanning the streets for _somebody_ to show up as she held the cream envelope in her hands was because she hadn't talked to Kieran in a week.

> " _I don't understand why you're getting so worked up over this_ ," Lauren yelled, pointing an accusatory finger at him. "It's not like _you've_ never missed a date."
> 
> " _Sure,_ I've missed my own fair share of dates," he retorted, crossing his arms protectively in front of him, "but I've never left you waiting for six hours without so much as a call or an apology after, have I?"
> 
> "Why are you so caught up in the calls?"
> 
> "Because _you_ always got upset when I wouldn't call you to tell you things!" he said exasperatedly, tossing his hands in the air before returning them to his pockets. "Remember how _angry_ you'd get? Screaming at me ' _anything you know, I know_?'" he mocked, glaring at her. "Or does that only apply to me? Am I the only person who has to abide by the 'rules' now?"
> 
> "I never said that you had to abide by a stupid set of 'rules', Kieran," she said, rolling her eyes. "Fine, if you want me to call so much, I'll call. I'll sneak away in the middle of a case, find a telephone booth, and _phone you_ just so I can tell you that I'll be late."
> 
> "I never said-"
> 
> "You never said _what,_ Kieran?"
> 
> "It's not about the stupid _call,_ Lauren," he said, turning away from her. "Hold on, give me a second. Just...just give me a second."
> 
> Lauren stared at his back, watching him breathe as she laced and unlaced her fingers.
> 
> "Look," he began, sitting in the chair opposite her as he inhaled deeply, "I don't expect you to call every single moment of the day, and it's not like I don't expect you to have a life of your own. I just want you to tell me if you're going to be _six hours late_ just so I don't have to worry if you've gotten hurt or somehow gotten into trouble, okay? Isn't that what we agreed on?"
> 
> Lauren laughed mirthlessly, running a hand through her hair. "Fine, okay. If it truly matters to you that much-"
> 
> "It's not the damn _calls_ that matter to me, Lauren!"
> 
> " _Okay_ , I get it," she yelled back at him. "It's not the calls that matter. I don't know why you suddenly think I'm going to get murdered as a detective, but okay, whatever. Are you happy now? Are we settled on the 'rules', on the 'agreement'?"
> 
> "Are you _seriously_ going to get stuck on my wording, Lauren?"
> 
> " _Yes_ , I'm going to 'get stuck' on your wording, _Kieran_. You make it sound like a business deal," she said, standing abruptly from her chair. "You know what, fine. If that's all I am to you, some sort of business deal, some sort of _liability_ ," she said crisply, "that's fine."
> 
> "I-"
> 
> "I don't want to hear it, Kieran," she said, storming out the door. "I'm not doing this tonight. Don't call me. I won't die on the way home, if that's what you're wondering."

Lauren wasn't quite sure why she said the things she said, but once words are said, they can't be taken back.

Kieran, always the one to respect her wishes, had _truly_ not called her in nearly a week, leaving a painful anxiety to build up in her chest with each passing day.

_But isn't this what I wanted? Freedom?_

It _wasn't_ what she wanted, evidently, judging by the relief that washed over her when a bouquet of yellow and pink tulips arrived at the precinct yesterday. However, not wanting to admit her weakness and the _hold_ Kieran kept over her emotions, she had tossed the flowers into the bin by her desk and shoved the envelope into her desk.

Let _him wait,_ she had thought. _He waited six hours, as he so_ passionately _pointed out. He can wait another day._

Sneaking a glance at her purse, she groaned. "Ah, what the hell," she muttered, reaching into the bag to root out the envelope. It was slightly wrinkled from its short stay between the side of her purse and her wallet but seemed intact.

She walked toward a nearby park bench, swiping at leaves that had settled on the seat.

"Alright Kieran," she grumbled, "Let's see what you have to say today."

To be honest, Lauren was expecting an apology. She could count the times _she'd_ been the first to apologize on her two hands, but Kieran had always been the one to try and make her smile again, holding her hands tenderly as he murmured nothing but the sincerest apologies as he asked her to forgive him, even when she should be the one asking for his pardons. It wasn't that they didn't know it was almost always at least partially her fault. Kieran had always just decided to take the blame to resolve the issue. It was something she'd never taken the chance to thank him for, seeing as the words "I'm sorry" appeared to sting her tongue whenever she had to say them to him.

["My dearest," the letter began.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vDIhv4xXNeY) Lauren eyed the penmanship in wonder. It was one of the few times she'd seen clean, fully legible words from him.

> "Kieran, I can't read what you wrote," Lauren grumbled, tossing their plans onto the table.
> 
> "Well, good thing they're technically meant for _me,_ then," he snorted. "Now I know how to make sure you won't read my diary entries."
> 
> "And _why_ would I want to read those entries?" she asked. "Am I _in_ them?"
> 
> "No, absolutely not."

"When you read this, I hope you've already put the tulips in water. They're going to droop otherwise."

_Well, too late now._

"And yes, I _did_ in fact try to write legibly for you today. I'm quite certain that you wouldn't read my apology if it were printed in chicken scrawl, and I would rather not waste my time writing something you will just toss into the bin. Which the tulips are probably already in, but I digress."

She frowned at the tone in his writing. It wasn't that it was passive-aggressive, or that it was rude, per se. Something about it just seemed... off. They had long developed the ability to hear the other's written words in their voice, complete with the sarcastic lilt of Kieran's words or Lauren's perpetual annoyance and anger. She found herself missing the comfortable sarcastic teasing of his words, gripping the sheets of paper just a _smidge_ tighter in her hands.

"A week ago, you asked me not to call you. So I didn't. I sat by the phone every second I could, hoping desperately (which was evidently pointless) that at any moment, the phone would ring and that I'd get to hear your voice again and we could go back to normal."

"Maybe you were right. Maybe I _am_ obsessed with the calls. Maybe the calls truly are less important that I make them out to be in my mind, and for that I offer you my sincerest apologies. Perhaps I'm just lonely; perhaps I've grown used to your presence at my side."

Lauren stared at the sheet of paper, not quite willing to grasp what he was saying. It wasn't that she wasn't happy to hear him admitting that he was wrong...yet that was _exactly_ what it was. And she didn't understand it. How could someone possibly hurt even more when another person admitted that they had been wrong and that you had been right?

 _Wasn't this what you wanted?_ the voice in her head taunted, urging her to keep reading. _Go on, see what you've done_.

"Maybe I've gone too far and overstepped my bounds. I don't have a right to ask you to do anything. I most _definitely_ never want you to drop your work for me, if that was what you felt I was saying. It was never my intention to make you feel like I was pushing you into something you didn't want."

> " _Look, Lauren,"_ he muttered, avoiding her gaze. "I...I love you."
> 
> "So what's the problem?"
> 
> "What I want doesn't _matter_ ," he protested. "You deserve...so much more," he said, suddenly meeting her eyes. "I don't want you to regret this. I don't want to hurt both of us and ruin what we have."
> 
> "Kieran, I will _always_ want you," she declared, placing a hand on each of his cheeks. "I may not have when we first began... _this,_ " she said, gesturing around them, "but I can tell you that I love you, too. If you had my ability, you'd be able to tell I wasn't lying," she said, searching his eyes desperately.

Was she lying that night, over a year ago? Was it truly what she wanted? She thought it was. She still thinks it is.

"I can't keep you, possess you, simply _have_ you. After all, you aren't a pretty vase meant to be kept in a cabinet. For all my 'watery blue eyes', I could never overwhelm the fire."

Lauren could almost hear the mirthless chuckle. She had never been as poetic as he was.

> "My darling, your eyes remind me of the full moon, glowing to brighten the darkest of my nights, your hair the shocking pop of red holly in my otherwise _bitterly cold world,_ " he declared, gesturing wildly with his arms before settling in front of her expectantly. "Well?"
> 
> Lauren, whose face was flushed bright red, stared directly into his eyes, refusing to back down from the impromptu staring contest. "Umm...your eyes...are blue."
> 
> Kieran cackled, gripping her knees as he doubled over. " _That's it?_ 'Your eyes are blue,'" he repeated. "Yes, mon amour, I know. It says that on my identifications, too."
> 
> Lauren scowled, cheeks heating up rapidly. " _I don't know_ , okay?" she protested, swatting at his hands on her knees. "Your eyes are blue, like cool water. Happy?"
> 
> "Incredibly," he snorted, pecking her on the nose. "Always, with you."

"I don't know when it changed. I don't know when _we_ changed. Perhaps that's what happens when two people cling onto each other in the uncertainty. They grip onto each other as the ground beneath their feet shakes, forced to learn each other's movements to maintain balance. When the earthquake finally stops and the waves calm, they're left shaking together, still gripping each other as hard as they did as when everything was a question, except now their holds on each other seem harder, more restricting, more uncomfortable than ever before."

At this point, Lauren had risen from the bench, hurriedly looking for the nearest taxi stand.

 _I_ have _to get to Kieran._

"It wasn't your fault, by the way. It's not about the six hours, or the fact that you never seem to remember to call. You know I'd willingly wait a decade for you. But I can't do this anymore. I'm tired of hurting myself to keep you by my side, feeling guilty for every moment you hold my hand. Roses are meant to bloom, and perhaps I'm not as good a florist as I believed I was."

As she hurriedly gave the taxi driver her directions, her heart dropped in her chest as her eyes scanned over the bottom of the page.

"But I am a selfish person. So if you still want this like you used to, if this is still something you're willing to try, meet me tonight. You know where I am. It's always where I've been. It's always where _we_ were, together. I promise I'll wait for you."

"Until the moon falls,

Kieran"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, Waters here. 
> 
> So uh...I'm not sorry? I mean, I am, but I'm also not. 
> 
> I've wanted this concept for so, so long. Lovers to...dampened emotions has always been something that seemed so _real_. Not all of us find a happy ever after, and it isn't always because one side wronged another. Sometimes emotions get washed out and dampened, like markings in the sandy shores. 
> 
> I'm not...I don't have much to be poetic about right now. But anyhow, I hope that you guys don't want to kill me...too badly. 
> 
> This was written in half a day (concept been marinating for multiple months, though). Proofreading? What's that.
> 
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated!! See y'all tomorrow :)


	2. 明知故犯

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 明知故犯
> 
> Knowingly doing something, fully knowing that the results won't be positive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE LISTEN TO [Clinton Kane's _Fix It to Break It_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6jG6VFGFSEA) when it is linked :)

> "S o," he sighed, watching their boots press fading footprints into the soft grass. "Is this... _goodbye_ , then?"
> 
> "I suppose so," she murmured, noticing the small purple crocuses peeking through the luscious green. "We both got what we wanted, didn't we?" she asked, smiling at him.
> 
> "Yes," he replied, stepping into the cave. Lauren had heard the lie but chose to ignore it. It was one of the rare occasions where she felt like it might be better for both of them if she allowed Kieran his own space and thoughts.
> 
> "Well," she said, stepping toward the board, "I suppose we won't be needing this anymore, will we," she huffed, stretching to reach the top.
> 
> "Let me get those," he said, patting her shoulder. "No, I guess not. They might be good mementos, though. What do you say, darling, would you like the string? Tie little bows in your hair with them?"
> 
> Lauren snorted, unpinning photos and storing them into the large boxes they had brought with them. "Sure, I'll make sure to do that. Maybe create some sort of collage on my wall with the string, you know?"
> 
> "Definitely. Take a photo with the string every year, attach them to your pets," he cackled, folding up a map. "I'll spare you the things with my handwriting, since you always hated reading my illegible scrawl anyway."
> 
> "You know..." she said, stalling as she shoved her clothes into the duffel bag in her hands, "I...I never truly hated your handwriting."
> 
> The rustling of papers stopped. Silence seemed to echo through the cave before he shattered it with a whisper.
> 
> "Really?"
> 
> "Really," she said, drumming her fingers against the dressers. "I...I suppose I don't hate _you_ , either."
> 
> Kieran laughed. _Imagine being able to hear that every day_ , she thought. _Wait, what am I thinking._ "Well, that's a shocking, yet welcome revelation." He placed the lid on the box gently, tucking the string into the outside pocket of her bag.
> 
> "At least we won't leave as enemies," he noted, grinning at her.
> 
> "Friends?" Lauren asked, extending a hand at him one last time.
> 
> "Of course," he smirked. "I don't know if I'll ever see you again...but, yes, always."
> 
> Lauren stared into his eyes, holding his gaze. Kieran was the first to look away. "Well, I better get going," he muttered, stepping away from her. "Take care, _mon amour_."
> 
> She stared after him, hand resting over the string in her bag. _Are you willing to let your red string of fate end with you_? she wondered in her head.
> 
> "Wait, Kieran!" Lauren called after him, jogging to stand next to him.
> 
> He paused, standing in the sunlight that bathed the ground outside the cave.
> 
> "I...can you stay? Just for a moment?"
> 
> Kieran didn't look at her, choosing to smile down at his feet in disbelief. "I promised you that if we made it out alive, you'd never see me again. I'm a man of my word, Lauren."
> 
> "What if I don't _want_ your word anymore?"
> 
> "I can't do it," he whispered, shifting the box in his arms. "I'm sorry, Lauren."
> 
> "And _why_ is that?" she demanded, gripping onto his right arm. "Tell me, _why_? There's nobody to give you orders."
> 
> " _Look, Lauren_ ," he muttered, avoiding her gaze. "I...I love you."

 _I love you_. Lauren snickered, shaking her head. What did those words even mean? Did they mean the same thing to them? Had they been operating on two planes of existence this entire time, pretending to operate on the same expectations?

She hadn't said it back, then. She had simply gripped his face in her hands and simply _demanded_ that he stay with her. Perhaps one could say that she had _begged_ him to stay, in her own way. That she had said "I love you" in her own ways.

Perhaps none of that mattered, anyway. The way the snow falls is pointless to someone who has lived their entire life loving the sandy shores, just as the sound of crashing waves and the warm sun hold little sentimental value to one who revels in the chill of winter wind. Regardless of how many times they politely accept a pair of patterned swim shorts or soft, waterproof mittens, it's not what they want, not what they _need_.

* * *

Lauren rushed through the trees, eyeing her watch. It was nearly dark already.

 _He said he'd wait_.

Her heart pounded in her chest, and she wasn't quite sure if it was because he was expecting her _last_ night or because she was running as fast as she could.

She slowed as she reached the entrance of the cave, noticing the small violet crocuses that had begun to bloom. Had it been a year, already?

_The light is on._

> Lauren rushed into his apartment, quickly slipping off her boots by the door. Kieran sat at the kitchen counter, setting down his book with a smile as he watched her try to catch her breath.
> 
> "I," she wheezed, trying to get the words out, "I'm so sorry. There was a case, and I-"
> 
> "It's alright," he grinned, setting a hot cup of coffee in front of her before returning to the kitchen. "You aren't late."
> 
> Lauren grimaced. " _Kieran_."
> 
> "Fine," he snickered, setting a plate in front of both of them. "Let's see," he murmured, glancing at his watch, "you're ten minutes late. I'll put it on your tab."
> 
> She snickered, shaking her head. "Seriously, Kieran. I'm genuinely sorry."
> 
> "I know you are," he said, reaching a warm hand across the table to rest over hers. "But you know...ten minutes is nothing to me. I'd wait a decade for you."
> 
> " _Kieran!_ "

He had always had an uncanny ability to make her flustered. It wasn't that the words he said were anything particularly special. But the fact that they came from _his_ mouth meant the world to her.

But he wasn't there.

"Kieran?" she yelled, hoping that he'd somehow appear from a closet. Maybe he'd appear from the bed. Or perhaps the ceiling.

No answer came. In its place, a midnight blue envelope was tucked under the melted candle on the table, surrounded by an untouched apple, a small carton of blueberries, and one slice of cherry cheesecake.

Her heart fell, hands struggling as she tried to lift the wax seal.

She had once promised him to be there for every birthday, to share a slice of cheesecake with him each and every year, even though he knew she preferred blueberry tarts.

Still shaking slightly as she lifted the papers from the envelope, she sat at the table, spreading the pages over the wooden surface.

["My dearest, Lauren"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6jG6VFGFSEA)

"I don't know if you'll ever read this. I don't know if you ever came back, after all. But as I sit here writing, I realized that maybe we've _both_ changed in the past year. That _I've_ changed."

 _Change_. The word had many connotations; one could be referring to the way a caterpillar _changed_ into a butterfly, the way a child _changed_ out of their clothes, or simply what's left over from a transaction, rattling around in coins and small bills in a wallet.

"As I sat here, every rustle of the wind had me looking for you in the doorway, hoping that you'd be there. I'm not sure when I decided that it was probably hopeless, but even as I pressed the nib to the parchment, I _still_ wondered if I was doing the right thing. If I'd need these sheets, anyway. Hoping that you'd give me a reason to chuck these pages into the water to simply dissolve."

"As I counted down the minutes to Valentine's day, I found myself imagining you here, across me, wishing for those brightly flushed cheeks and glowing smile. And then I remembered how long it's been since the last time I've truly seen that same smile. I'm sorry."

> "Kieran, _stop apologizing_ ," she groaned, setting a plate into the sink. "It's not even your fault."
> 
> "But it _is_ ," he protested, pacing. "I shouldn't have done that, I knew that you were washing the dishes and I still-"
> 
> " _Kieran_ , please."
> 
> "Fine."
> 
> "For what it's worth," she snickered, secretly grabbing a handful of bubbles, "I don't mind as long as you don't miss that plate too much."
> 
> Kieran slowed, perching his head on her shoulder. "Fine, but I-"
> 
> He never got to finish those words before a flurry of foam was flung across his face, followed by peals of laughter from Lauren.
> 
> "There," she snorted, trying to speak in between laughing fits, "now we're even."

"All this time, I thought that I was doing my part. I thought that we were solving each conflict almost before they even arrived, and I almost couldn't believe that it was happening. That I had found someone who'd understand me by stares alone. Maybe that's where we went wrong. When we started expecting to communicate by stares and unspoken words."

> "I didn't want to bother you," he mumbled, not daring to look at the disappointed look on her face.
> 
> "Darling," she sighed, wrapping her arms around him, "you would never _bother_ me by telling me the things that made you happy."
> 
> "But you were at work when I thought about calling you, which I decided against, and then you were at home the next time I thought of it, but then it was dinnertime and you _never_ eat so I didn't want to contribute to that," he explained, silently clutching at her fingers.
> 
> "Kieran, you know that I gave you all of my phone numbers for a _reason_ , right?" she chuckled. "If I thought you were a _bother_ , I simply wouldn't give you a way of contacting me, now would I?"
> 
> "I guess."
> 
> Lauren spun him around, gripping his shoulders. "I still can't _believe_ you didn't tell me you got the job, though."
> 
> "I'm-"
> 
> " _Stop apologizing, Kieran_. Just make sure to call next time. Promise me to call me, and if I don't pick up, just keep calling until I do."
> 
> " _Keep calling?_ " he asked incredulously. "Your coworkers would never get a moment of peace then. But sure, I suppose I'll call every four hours until you pick up if I have something that I truly need to share with you."
> 
> "Perfect," she said, pecking his lips. "It's a deal, then."

 _She_ had been the one to ask him to call. Who _wanted_ to hear his voice.

"Perhaps it's partially my fault. I could never get over the thought that I was going to bother you if I checked in with you while you were at work, and maybe that made you feel like you weren't welcome to call me. I don't know. But it's not about the _stupid_ calls at this point. To hell with the calls. I don't know why I keep bringing up the calls, but I don't even think **it was _about_ the calls. I think it's about something that changed with _us,_ not the landlines."

"I can't lie to you. You know this. I never could, even if I tried. But you can't read lies on paper. Just know that they're true, I suppose. Take my word for it, one last time."

" _What if I don't_ want _your word anymore_?" she had asked, almost perfectly a year ago. Maybe, at some point, she had truly stopped wanting his word. Stopped trusting him, though she had once trusted him with her life.

"It hasn't been the same. You know it hasn't. And it's not your fault, and it's not mine, either. You always hated when I'd apologize for things that weren't my fault, so I suppose I'll spare you the headache. At some point, like two intersecting lines on a graph, we started straying away from each other."

"You can't stop the way fate alters our lives, Lauren. I've spent so long, staring at my ceiling in the middle of the night, hoping for a way to convince myself, to convince _you_ , maybe, that everything was okay. That we could still work toward the same goal like we used to. That we still could see the same things in life. But I can't lie to myself anymore, Lauren. I can't just pretend that everything's okay, that I want this just the way it is. Perhaps this wasn't what you wanted, either."

"When you asked me to stay, I couldn't believe my luck. I've told you this a million times, but I wanted to tell you again, just once more. You are the best thing that's happened to me. But today, there's more to that. You are also the worst thing that's ever happened to me."

"You made me _feel_ again. You made me actually wish for something in my life. I wanted to be by your side every day, to make you pancakes in the morning and nag you to eat dinner at night. I wanted to make sure that you were _safe,_ that you were _healthy_ , that you were happy. And when I found that I couldn't give you that, it broke me."

 _But you could,_ she wanted to scream at him. _Every day_. Was she lying to herself? Had she been blind this whole time, trying to convince herself that something was real when it was just a shadow, just a silhouette?

"You know, one of the things I've always admired about you was how _driven_ you are. How willing you are to do anything it takes to get what you want. But I found that each and every day, I woke up terrified that I couldn't make you happy. That this wasn't what you needed, what you wanted. That I'd just screw it all up and that the clockwork would fall apart, collapsing at our feet. And I think at some point in time, I became bitter. I was bitter that you didn't seem to be troubled by the same concerns, that I was just doing more than you asked for."

"But as the seconds slinked off the clock, I discovered that maybe I was _glad_ that you didn't seem to have the same fear of me leaving or disappointing me. Because in the end, there was always a day when I had to leave."

"Nobody can promise you their forevers. Not me, not you, not a single person on Earth can promise you forever. They may believe that they can be by your side until the day they die, but that still isn't _forever_ , because when the light in our eyes eventually dims, there are still centuries that will pass after we're gone. I cannot promise you forever."

> "Kieran," she asked, trying to turn around as he braided her hair.
> 
> "Stop moving," he said, gently turning her head back around. "Yes?"
> 
> "I've been wondering," she hummed, patting the braids that were forming in her hair before he swatted her hands away, "will we always be like this?"
> 
> "What do you mean, 'like this'," he replied, tying one of the thinner braids in place. "If you're asking me if we'll be here forever, no. I'd like to go to work, and you have crimes to solve."
> 
> "You know what I mean, Kieran," she groaned. "Don't play dumb with me."
> 
> "Oh, so you acknowledge that I'm _playing_ dumb," he jeered, combing his fingers through her hair. "But sure, I'll answer the question properly. No, we won't always be like this. Don't look at me, stay put."
> 
> She had asked him why, then. He had refused to tell her, gently tugging on her hair to make her stop trying to face him and demand answers from him. "Someday I'll tell you," he had said. "I'm hoping I'll never have to, though."

"I still remember the silkiness of your hair, by the way. I always loved braiding your hair. I just wanted you to know that. I'll miss it."

"Last year, I made myself a promise. If I could just stay a year with you, if I still thought that we were both happy at the end of that year, I would promise you my life. If I could pick tulips and peonies with you from a large flower field in spring, if I could visit the beach and have you push me into the water in the summer, go pick apples to make apple cider in autumn, hurl snowballs at each other in the winter, I would give you my word that my life was yours to have."

> " _Mon amour_ ," Kieran called, letting his voice echo through the room. "I brought hot chocolate, are you seriously going to hide from _hot chocolate_?"
> 
> No reply.
> 
> "Fine," he sighed exaggeratedly, "I guess I'll just have to find you, then."
> 
> "Are you under the table? In a closet? Dangling from the chandelier?"
> 
> Lauren held her snickers from her spot behind the rocks.
> 
> "Don't tell me you're in the water," he groaned. "You're going to get sick, _again_. Didn't you _just_ get over a cold? How are you going to interrogate criminals when you're sneezing every other question," he teased, edging closer to the water just in case she really _was_ hiding beneath the surface.
> 
> "Gotcha!" Lauren exclaimed suddenly, pushing him into the water as he knelt by the edge. Kieran landed in the cool water with a surprised yelp and a splash, resurfacing quickly.
> 
> " _It's cold, Lauren_ ," he protested, paddling toward the ladder.
> 
> "That's the _point_ , Kier," she laughed, lending him a hand. "Finally, I got you."
> 
> "If you really wanted to see my hair wet and my clothes soaked through, you could always just take me up on that offer-"
> 
> " _No_ ," she interjected, tossing him a towel. "Dry off. And no, I am _not_ going to take you up on that offer."
> 
> "Aww," he whined, mocking her. "Why _not,_ darling? It's not like I haven't seen you-"
> 
> " _Stop it_ ," she hissed, flustered at his snickers behind her. "That was _one_ time."
> 
> "I could wash your hair," he crooned. "Make little horns from them with the bubbles?"
> 
> " _No_."

"I wish we could have done all those things. I wish I could live my life just making you happy, to pick you up when you're down, to be the person who you could always count on to be there for you. I'm sorry I couldn't do that. I'm so incredibly sorry."

"We didn't see _us_ the same way anymore, Lauren. And I think I've found that it's okay. Love ebbs and flows like an ocean, pulling people together then letting them go again. And like the way each wave brings hidden treasures to the coast and reveals the hidden shells in the sandy shores, we gain something new from each experience."

"I'm forever thankful for everything you've done for me, Lauren. I'll never forget the way you brought light back into my days, or the way your hands could ground me. But allow me to be selfish, just this once. I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry."

"You know I never wished for much on my birthday. We didn't have the luxury of hoping for anything but achieving our goals. But I do have a wish this year. It's quite funny how the only two times I've had a wish for something other than survival involved you, but I suppose it is what it is. I hope that you find someone who has better health than you. I hope that you find someone who outlives you. Because I know you deserve someone who would rather live a decade without you by their side than to allow you a minute, a second, a mere _moment_ without them to ensure that your tomorrows are always better than your yesterdays."

"Though I can't be that person, I hope every day that you find someone who will wake up with you every day and bring you nothing but joy. Because it's what you deserve, and nothing less."

"I won't be by your side every morning, or will I be there every night to hold you as you sleep. But as the phases of the moon change, know that the moon remains in the sky."

"Love, always,

Kieran"

Lauren ran from the table, hoping that Kieran would be standing outside, illuminated by the moonlight. Instead, she found a clear sky, stars blinking beside the waning moon.

"I'm sorry, too," she whispered.

* * *

Lauren sighed, sorting through the mail. It was Valentine's Day again, and advertisers never passed up the opportunity to cash in on the "holiday". 

_I wonder how Kieran's doing_ , she mused, tossing a flyer into the basket next to the door. _It's been years since he's disappeared._

"No, no, oh goodness, it's a bill," she mumbled to herself, tucking the bill into her pocket for later. Just as she was about to toss the rest of the fliers into the wicker basket too, a golden glint caught her eye.

It had no name on the return address, but Lauren hadn't needed to open the letter to know who it was. 

"Dearest Lauren..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well friends...I hope that was acceptable? 
> 
> I wanted to start by wishing you all a wonderful Valentine's day. Thank you all for the love you've shown me, it truly means the world to me. <3 
> 
> I knew that I would write this twoshot since about 2 months ago. Yes, I marinate all my ideas extensively, what about it? :))) Totally not my procrastination skills messing with me. Absolutely not. It actually began with the songs themselves.
> 
> Love isn't linear. We cannot promise anyone "forever". It's simply impossible to promise someone that you will be with them until the end of time. I think a lot of us forget ourselves in love. Many of us choose to give up pieces of ourselves, to hurt ourselves believing it will all turn out okay, in order to keep someone close to us.
> 
> It doesn't necessarily mean that that person's a horrible person or that they did something wrong. It just means that it's time to let go. 
> 
> To me, everyone comes into our life for a reason. When they've given us what we've meant to have, they fade from our timeline. Sometimes gracefully, sometimes not. But to me, it's important to thank each and every person that comes into our lives, regardless of how it ends. Because they make us who we are.
> 
> I don't have much poetry to spout right now, but I just wanted to thank you all for being willing to embark on this...emotional journey with me. I love you all <3


End file.
